20/52 Portrait a Week Project

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Lots and lots happening. Sometimes a little too fast and a little too much. Seriously, when "they" say: be careful what you wish for...they really mean it. I've been struggling with the decision to quit or at least go part time at my desk job (and fantasizing and thinking oh if only this were to happen or if that - it'll be a sign) and just when I decide I was going to give it my all again at the desk job while still pursing my dreams because this was the best and smartest plan/route for my family right now..this did happened and definitely that happened too..I don't know. I'm pretty tied up in knots right now. I really don't know what to do.

It really makes sense to stick to my job for now, and to continue burning the midnight (and 2 am) oil working on making my dreams a reality. I started reading this book called Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job by Jon Acuff, and it's pretty good so far, so we shall see..

This is where I start to really get down on myself and think - wow, I really wasted a good decade of my life partying and or doing a lot of failed attempts at what I wanted for myself because I either wasn't valuing myself and got all mixed up with a boy and figured out all too late that - saving money would be good. I always hated money, but probably because I never had it. I never emphasized the need or importance of money because I know that what's important can't be bought - but you know, money sure does help on a lot of things. Of course my family is important, but the roof over our heads is pretty important too, not to mention the food on our table, the clothes on our backs etc..

Sigh..anyway, it's all good. I mean, these are good problems (sort of). It always could be worse and I'm pretty sure someone else out there with worse is doing better so it doesn't help to wallow and spend my energy on what I can't do, what I can't control. That's just a waste of valuable time. It's not a road block, it's just new terrain.

Anyway...I have an old post I've been meaning to publish - have you all heard of the liebster award? I've heard of it but also knew it wasn't really an award, per se, I mean - what are you awarded with? Anyway, I've been meaning to write about it and at least keep my end of the deal..

*One of the links is an affiliate link, if you click on the link it will direct you to the amazon page where, if you choose to purchase, I will get a (very small) percentage for leading you to that site and you purchasing. You're price does not change due to this affiliate link.

Happy Mother's Day - Part Deux - 19/52

Sorry for the somber post yesterday. Like I said, it's a very emotional/bittersweet time for me. Anyway..My Mother's day was pretty plain but pretty awesome.

I got out of bed at 11 am. Yes, you read that right. ELEVEN AM!! WHAT?! I woke up to breakfast being made and coffee ready for me and a handmade card from my loves that of course had me cry. 

We spent the day lounging, being lazy and with no schedules (except for the nap schedules, of course!). Charlie blew up our kiddie pool (my birth pool, actually - quite fitting for the day, don't you think?) and had a little pool time with the kids while I read some magazines (it has been forever since I could do that, uninterrupted) and had my coffee outside - and took pictures.

Thank you guys! LOVE YOU.

Hope you all had a lovely Sunday and a wonderful Mother's Day!

Bittersweet

"you've seen sad times, your eyes have told me so blue and bad times, you think that I don't know
but there'll be glad times, just you wait and see and there'll be a sun rise, if you lean on me"
                                                                                                                      - beth orton

Here it is again, a day to celebrate being a mom, and of course one's own mom. This time is always so very bittersweet for me. Other days unlike today too. Like the day Jax asked me who my mom was and if I even had a mom at all, because he has never met her but has met Charlie's mom. I try and introduce the photos I have of her and talk about her and show him the things that he knows and has of her. Like all the elephant toys, the elephant bank, and some other knick knacks. Still, it's not quite tangible to a three and half year old.

As a photographer now, trying to convince people that there is value in a print and not just the digital images.  After all you can't frame that dvd of your wedding or put up that nice usb full of your daughter's birth. I love photography in that, when images are printed and in albums or even in a shoebox - you are embraced with history, with memories and other people's memories and perspective. I am so grateful that my mom had photos and albums. I love looking at them over and over and look forward to the day when I can share them with my kiddos. To show them my history, and my mom's history.

Anyway, sorry for the somber post. I started this post thinking I would say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! and be all chipper about it. I swear, that was my intention. but I guess that didn't happen. sorry. anyway, everyday really is mother's day, isn't it?  Hugs to you all. I hope that you mamas are enjoying the one day where you should be able to not have ALL your mama duties on your shoulders (not that it is always a burden). I can't wait for home made cards, mediocre breakfasts in bed and last minute gifts from my kids. Now, if only my brain could take the picture all by itself when those moments happen.

Here are some photos I found..I hope to upload more. By the way, I am embarking on a personal photo project regarding suicide loss and mental health. If you or anyone you know has been touched by suicide and would like be part of my project by being photographed and telling their story - please get in touch!

I think I was around 7 here. No front teeth and I think it was on the bucaneer?

This was actually on my 5th birthday, when my thunder was stolen by my cute baby brother's baptism. I love the look my baby bro is giving though.

Again, my 5th birthday - that's me with my brother's present - not mine.

Do not laugh at my hair. My parents believed kitchen scissors were the same thing that the pros use.. at supercuts.

Happy Mother's Day beautiful mamas!