I'm still here!

12:21 PM

Hi everyone, it's been awhile hasn't it? I've been busy busy busy and haven't had time to update and or post the special stuff I've been up to here, so you all don't think I'm lying or just slacking off.

I started this post on my phone, and this is actually posted on my photography blog...

I had a wonderful day today yesterday, but I am utterly anxious and nervous and and...how do you on call people do it? This is one of those times that I fantasize about my mother being alive and well and living with us. Imagining that, in a pinch she could watch the kids as I take on this new direction in my life as a photographer and actually, a birth photographer. That basically, life was perfect, easy, comfortable and oh so wonderfully laid out and plan-able. I know, I did say fantasize, right?

When I picked up a real camera, not just my phone, or a point and shoot, but a real camera again last year, it really opened my insides wide open. I still struggle with the decision of, right now, what is an expensive hobby. But it is so worth it. The joys I get when I cull and edit those images. Sometimes I can't contain myself and bug Charlie to take a look at some images I'm so proud of. But there is still a little voice inside of me who likes to blow out that creativity and confident flame. I think to myself- you have kids, your family depends on your income to survive, what the hell were you thinking of doing this NOW?! You aren't as young as you look missy and you've got way more responsibilities than this passion can afford. Yes, my insides are not very friendly sometimes. Fear, she is one tough bitch. She will push you, pull you, love you and hate you. She is also what can make you stronger and drive you towards your dreams, well sometimes. Which leads me to something I read recently (Jasmine Star's magazine Exposed) to the tune of: I'd rather fail at something I love, than succeed at something I hate.

Yes, I am scared. I am terrified. My guts are swimming around and crawling to get out. I'm more distracted at my desk job and I really want out. It was never really fulfilling but it definitely paid the bills. That's not true there were times early on in my seven years at my desk job, that I fully enjoyed my work as a project manager. I had moved up from being an admin and at the time was also trying to do some creative side projects. But when the desk job started paying more and better. I lost that creative spark. Anyway, did this desk job ever make a difference? no of course not. But I did like it but as it is now, my heart isn't in it - and I don't think it ever was. Anyway,  photographing people isn't the fulfilling part, it's delivering the goods that is. Those memories and lighting up someone's life with printed (or even digital) images, that is absolutely rewarding.

Anyway, here are some shots from an impromptu maternity shoot, I did this past Saturday:

And yes, she is supposed to be glowing - cause she truly is! 

I am on call for that lovely mama (and 2-3 others - for birth photos!) and I anxiously await her baby girl's birthday, not only because I will hopefully be able to document the day, but because I am also stepping in as the doula! GULP. 

Being with mamas and kids, like I was yesterday, meeting with birth photography session clients is really really where I want to be. It's really what I want to be doing. Being allowed to document such an intimate moment for a family is just humbling, to say the least. Being able to spend my days seeing and taking photographs of people, happy and having fun and most importantly being able to spend more time with my family to enjoy my days having fun and being happy too. I know it will take time and I am willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into it, which I already am. It doesn't mean that I'm not scared of absolutely failing, especially because there is a lot more at stake.

Here is to hoping our dreams into reality..that and winning the lottery ;)

Oh and speaking of motherhood - did any of you read this huffington post article?

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